January 20, 2019 By bangkok7
Hey there, intrepid Internet surfer. It is I, Bangkok Seven. I can barely see you through the thick haze of junk cluttering up the city’s air of late. And of course, you don’t need me to tell you that. You can see with your own eyes the things you can’t see because the brown is blocking your view. And on top of that, every media outlet is crying out in anguish, as are friends, coworkers, and random strangers within earshot. Run for your lives! The Smog!
And to be clear, we here at Patpong Nightlife take this menace very seriously. It’s a big deal. People could die. I mean, it’s not as serious as using the wrong preferred gender-fluid pronoun or drinking with a plastic straw. It’s not as deadly as opposing a climate tax or being sexually harassed by Kevin Spacey, but it’s still pretty bad. So in an effort to help out our fellow Bangkokians we’ve come up with some steps you can take to ward off the evil entity known as The Smog.
Before we do, though, be careful not to confuse The Smog with Smaug, the dragon from the book “The Hobbit.” The air in Bangkok couldn’t care less about your gold. Oh no. Would that it did. Keep one eye on your old lady in that regard. Instead, Smog is after your precious pink delicate capillaries, which you could argue are more valuable than gold. The Smog—or as he is known in the PPNL offices, “Smog The Terrible”—lurks around the corners of every building. It chokes the trees, and harangues the birds. It slinks into every nook and cranny. It’s as silent as a ghost. It’s a filthy, foul, and felonious phantom. And it’s looking for you. You can’t hide from The Smog. His all-seeing eye is always on you. As you walk to work, he’s there. If you take a jog in the park, he’s all around you. You’re not even safe in your own home. You can lock the windows and bar the door, but The Smog will still get you, with the help of his accomplice, the air conditioner. Sure, the air is cooler. But the landlord hasn’t changed the filters in months. The Smog’s still gonna getcha!
And yet, there’s no need to despair. There are things you can do to protect yourself. First, get on Lazada and order that gigantic, ornate ten-filter gas mask—the one with the two side compartments. Your motorbike helmet won’t fit over it, but who cares about a head injury when The Smog is on the prowl? And don’t forget your ear holes. The Smog can get inside you that way, too. Plug those babies up. Also, dig up your old swimming goggles out of the closet—you need to protect your eyes. If you haven’t got goggles, just shut your eyes whenever you leave the house. There’s nothing to see anyway, due to The Smog. While you’re waiting for your mask to arrive in the post, you can MacGyver a home-made one using everyday items in your kitchen. First, buy and eat a yoghurt—preferably strawberry flavor. Then, rinse out the empty carton. Using a steak knife, cut a hole in the bottom. Then tape a paper towel over the hole. Next, get some Elephant Glue and slather a dose around the rim. Then glue it to your face. This will protect you for 72 days, which is how long it takes for your skin to replace itself. The carton will fall off on its own. Also, carry a straw in your back pocket (though you should acknowledge that you are a Nazi and a racist if you own or use plastic straws, you climate change proliferator!). When you’re in the pub, peel back the paper towel and stick the straw through the hole. That way you can still enjoy your beverage.
If you need to travel, get a bath towel and soak it in water overnight. Before going outside, wrap the towel around your face and ears. Secure it by tying your belt around your neck. If you feel light-headed, that means it’s working. If you choose to engage in sexual congress—which we here at PPNL strongly recommend you avoid—make sure you and your partner are both wearing N95 filter masks. This will have the bonus effect of sounding like two Darth Vaders banging each other. If neither of you has a mask, use the aforementioned wet bath towels. If you don’t have two towels, wrap one towel around both your heads and secure it with your belt around both of your necks. In a pinch, you can use the towel on yourself and simply put a 7-11 bag over your partner’s head. If your partner is your wife, you may find this increases your sex drive in addition to warding off The Smog. I can’t vouch for that personally, but a buddy of mine who’s been married for 10 years says putting the bag on his wife’s head works better than Viagra.
Another great tip is to simply wait until sundown to leave the house. The Smog is the opposite of vampires. It can only be seen during the day. If you don’t believe us, check for yourself. Go out tonight and see if you can see The Smog. You can’t, because it’s sleeping. It’s science.
And then there’s the easiest fix: move. Pack your stuff, buy a plane ticket, and relocate to a place where The Smog doesn’t go. England’s one. Canada is another. Heck, even Krabi is free of The Smog. So if you want a permanent solution—if you never want to worry about that monster, that Scourge of Siam, that Bangkok Boogieman—just leave. Get out. Go home, or at least go away. Get lost. Scram, skedaddle, scoot, vamoose. Hit the road. What have you got to lose? Who knows, it might even save your life.
Note: this blog is satire and should not be taken seriously or literally. Nothing in the above text (except the last part) will protect you from air pollution and most if not all of the suggestions will harm or even kill you, so do not attempt them. This should go without saying, but knowing that a Millennial or two might read it, we saw the necessity for a disclaimer. Even with the disclaimer, we fully expect a few idiots to try the wet towel and the belt. So for the record, if you do and you die, it’s your fault.
And to all those brave enough to hit the pub in bold defiance of Smog the Smotherer, we want to say cheers to another day above ground (at least for now) in the haziest city in the greatest country in the world: Thailand.
(Photo courtesy of the Internet.)