Verse of Vice: The Long Road to Thailand

What’s going on, reader? How’s life treating you? It’s Frowback Friday, and even though technically this isn’t a Frowback, and even though I know you don’t like poetry, I just had to post this. It just appeared this morning on my laptop. I must’ve really tied one on last night, because I don’t remember writing it, but it had to’ve been me, one, because no one else lives in my apartment, and two, because it’s a 100% factually accurate record of the events of my life. Turns out it’s both an account of my travels and an ode to The Land of Smiles. I hope you get a kick out of it, but if you don’t, you can, y’know, go f*ck yourself. I mean that in the nicest way possible.

I’ve been to Barcelona but I’ve never seen Seville

Nor luncheoned in Bologna and I guess I never will.

I sailed the Seine from Notre Dame up to The Louvre museum–

Mona Lisa, V. de Milo, glad I got to see ‘em.

I’ve climbed the Eiffel Tower but completely missed Bordeaux.

I roamed the hills of Saltzberg and drank wine in Bergamo.

I partied in Milano but I never went to Rome.

I haven’t seen the River Kwai, but sailed the Mekong some.

I never smoked in Amsterdam—the mushrooms kick in faster.

I skipped the train to Birmingham and opted for Manchester.

I stayed a week in West Berlin before the wall came down.

I didn’t go to Moscow and there’s no chance for that now.

I walked the shores of Costa Rica, climbed up their volcano

Swam around Lake Nicaragua (sharks live in there, yo!),

I surfed in the Caribbean, down Bastimentos way,

And faced with going back to “real life” wished that I could stay.

I spent some time in sweet Sardegna, up in Castelsardo

Imbibed of too much Cannonau, they called me a bastardo.

I wandered the cathedrals and stone streets of old Mallorca,

And dined in Can Manolo on Carrer Garcia Lorca.

I walked the Thames from Tower Bridge to Parliament in London

And Oxford Street from Holborn all the way to Shep Bush Station.

I caught the Loch Nessie Museum up in Edinburgh,

And surfed some awesome waves from San Diego to Ventura.

I’ve seen the coast of Cali from Baja to San Francisco,

And tanned in Honolulu just before the death of disco.

I’ve wandered through the vines in Napa, crossed the Golden Gate.

I drove Route 66 and stopped in every single state.

I stayed in a hotel along the beach in Rosarito

Got swindled in Shanghai but found the town to be quite neat-o.

I saw the Declaration (in DC) of Independence

And wondered what the founding folks would think of their descendants.

I drove the Ring of Kerry, had a pint in old Killarney,

Hung upside down to kiss the stone atop the Castle Blarney,

Snowboarded down Grindelwald, the mount in Interlaken

Police reunion tour, back in Wembley, it was rockin.’

Speaking of the bands I love, I saw Depeche in Vegas,

Plus thirteen other times in a variety of places.

Radiohead, The Cure, The Killers, Pulp at Coachella,

Met Mozzer down in Tinseltown, he was a charming fella.

I’ve flown the skies and seen sunrise in Tokyo and Seoul,

Always business class because you know that’s how I roll.

It’s true I’ve been around world, but everywhere I went

I always felt it wasn’t worth the time and cash I spent.

I left my home to wile and roam, to where the spirit willed,

Yet every time, the destination left me unfulfilled.

It wasn’t till I found my way to Thailand that I faltered

For there I found the angst within my soul completely altered.

It happened down in Ao Nang town while floating in the sea.

I had a sudden vision of how good my life could be.

Every Western worry, woe, and waste of time forgotten,

Every needless burden that can turn ones whole life rotten,

Swept away by the Andaman, and I was left renewed,

My present and my future were permanently imbued.

And so no longer do I feel the nagging urge to travel.

No more lees, or mysteries, or puzzles to unravel.

So after years of turning over every far-flung stone

The search is over. This old rover’s finally found his home.

I don’t know about you, but I find that in my old age I spend more time thinking about the past than about the future. And the crazy road that brought me to Thailand is rife with nostalgia, whimsy, a little regret, and a lot of fantastic memories. I sometimes wish I’d made it here decades earlier, what with the gogo bars and the girls in those particular bars. But then, I wouldn’t have all these great moments to look back on. It makes an old tail-chaser grateful for that adventure, and even more appreciative of the here-and-now. So cheers, everyone. It’s been a long, strange trip, with hopefully more to come in the greatest country in the world: Thailand. See you back here on Sunday for the weekly. It’s a tribute to the soon-to-close Bada Bing gogo. Peace out!