Thailand Problems: An Accidental Ode

Howdy-ho, gents. Seven again. Comin to ya between pints in Patpong. In my life as a Bangkok whoremonger, I’ve often thought up sweet, gogo-inspired poetry whilst sitting stage-side in a red-light bar, but I usually forget the thing by the time I sober up. For today’s Frowback, I submit the first one that I was able to remember the next morning. It’s is the one that kicked off the “Verse of Vice” series back when BKKNites was posting them. I’m convinced it can be turned into a song, so much so that I even threw in a chorus. If anybody out there has songwriting skills and can put this to music, gimme a shout. We can share credit:

“Life in Thailand isn’t easy, and though you likely think it’s sleazy,
Things are mostly bland and breezy,

Barring all the problems.

Here are several examples, bits of life put forth as samples,

Over which irony tramples.

Call them Thailand problems:


Should I have a pint of beer? Or would wine make things more clear,

And how might this decision steer

Me through my Thailand problems?

Buy my girl a new bikini, or just walk around Lumphini?

Maybe something inbetweeny.

It’s a Thailand problem.


Should I eat a Steakhouse dinner, or something to make me thinner?

Took Lae Dee’s always a winner.

Damn these Thailand problems.


Should I trip the light fandango or eat sticky rice and mango?

Hard to watch a well laid plan go

South from Thailand problems.

Is Patpong the place to go, or is Nana apropos?

Maybe Cowboy’s more YOLO.

Textbook Thailand problem.


Now I’ll call my sweetheart Boom. No wait—Oil. She cleans my room.

Or would both be more “va-voom”?

Welcome to my problems.

Should I stroll around the mall, or just wait for Bow to call?

Either way I’ll have a ball.

One more Thailand problem.


If you think that these travails are not that bad and my grief pales

Compared to yours (it never fails), then just move here and tip the scales.

Put the wind back in your sails. Point your toes toward happy trails.

Write your own fantastic tales.

Come get Thailand problems.

(Possible Chorus:

Believe it or not, these are all of my problems

No matter how hard you might try, you can’t solve ’em

Maybe you don’t really think these are problems

I can’t think of what else would rhyme with problems)”


Tune in Sunday for another of Seven’s Weekly column. It’ll be prose, I promise.