Thailand Problems: Part 1

Bon jour internet, J’mappelle Seven. If you’re one of the 10 people who read this page regularly, you’re probably thinking “Aw, no, not another series!” Maybe I missed my calling as a network TV show creator, because I can whip out series ideas like nobody’s business. Here’s the next one coming down the pipe. I’ll hopefully keep it up for at least the next couple of months. It covers a topic I’ve joked about in the past: Thailand problems (hashtag thailandproblems), based on the notion that, in Thailand, problems aren’t really problems. Well, most of them anyway. The day-to-day travails one encounters while living here in paradise are minute compared to life in a Western country. For example, if I were living back in L.A. right now, a typical problem would be something like “What should I spend the rest of my paycheck on—food or rent?” Conversely, my so-called problems in Thailand are considerably……..simpler. This is part 1 of what will be an ongoing breakdown of those dilemmas-that-aren’t-actually-dilemmas called “Thailand problems.” Here’s what I faced last week:

1. On Foodpanda, I couldn’t decide between Chinese and ribs. It took over an hour to choose. I ended up getting Golden Bowl over Buds’s BBQ. Chicken chow mein, chicken balls, spring rolls, and sweet and sour pork with white rice. It was delicious, but I still don’t know if I made the right call. Sure, I was able to have leftovers the next day, but now I’m stuck with the craving for pulled pork and slow-cooked BBQ ribs. It’s agonizing.


2. A gogo dancer named Miw who agreed to come over for a photo shoot, has flaked on me four times. I want to kick her to the curb, but I also want naked photos of her, so I’m in a bind. Do I keep making appointments with her knowing she’ll keep standing me up? It’s a quandary. Though if I’m honest, this isn’t really a problem. I’ve learned with gogo dancers that if you can just be patient and wait, they almost always come around. Like Lao Tzu’s story of the man who chased his cattle, it’s only when you stop pursuing and take a nap that the cow, or in this case girl, comes to you.

3. Last Saturday, both Bow and Boom wanted to come over. I didn’t have the energy to bang two girls, so I postponed Bow and said yes to Boom, mainly because she has a boyfriend and can’t always get away to swing by Seven’s place. But if I’m honest, Bow’s more fun in the sack. She lets me do things to her that none of the rest of my harem will consent to. Bow hasn’t called back, so now I’m worried that I chose wrong. Should I have just bit the bullet and banged them both? Is the solution that I exercise more and improve my stamina? Fuck, why is life so complicated?

4. I have not one but two ingrown hairs on my ballsack. It’s a semi-common problem for whoremongers who regularly groom their groin (groiming for short), and super inconvenient because I have to keep explaining to my girls that it’s not an STD. And my options are to go digging after them with a needle or wait till the hair’s long enough to tweeze out. Life is almost not worth living.

5. My Twitter analytics page won’t refresh.

6. I broke my toilet brush while using it to kill a spider. There’s no shop within walking distance that sells them, which means that not only will I have to get on the bts and schlep all the way to Sukhumvit, then I have to come back with a toilet brush. Which means I can’t stop off at the pub, because sitting there with a pint in one hand and a toilet brush in the other would look weird. So basically I have to choose between buying a toilet brush and having a pint, which means my toilet will never be cleaned again. Sigh.

7. My King’s Castle 2 girl announced that she’s going to move over to Pink Panther. But I already have a girl at Pink Panther, so if they’re both working on a given night, there’s going to be an awkward moment where they both go to walk over to me and will have to figure out between them who has seniority. One’s been seeing me longer, but the other is a year older, so it won’t be easy to iron out. Then once they decide, the odd one out will be upset. At one point, they’ll both decide they deserve to sit with me and I’ll be stuck buying two drinks. Not to mention that when I’m not there, they’ll talk incessantly about how often they bang Seven and the details of our respective coitus.

8. The strawberry tobacco I smoked for the last seven years has been discontinued. Now I have to go through trial-and-error until I find a new flavor. Leaning towards mango at the moment, but it’s not as good. Why is the world so cruel?

9. The one and only indoor air freshener I like is the one and only air indoor freshener they stopped selling in Thailand. It’s like I’m cursed or something.

10. I’m trying to reduce my harem from nine down to five, which means I have to slow-fade a handful of girls who’ve gotten used to a steady Seven income. The hardest part is ignoring their plaintive texts, full of crying emojis and moaning about money woes and begging to come over. And I kind of want to keep them on the back burner in case something happens with one of my first string girls. It’s a tough call to make.

If you live in the US or UK, I know what you’re thinking: these aren’t problems. They’re mild inconveniences. And if I lived where you live, you’d be right. But you see, life in Thailand is so unbelievably wicked-fucking-awesome that you really have to try to find something to moan about. So if you’re trapped in a downward spiral of a life somewhere in the West, and the above list looks like the kind of problems you’d prefer to have in place of the ones heaped upon your weary shoulders at the moment, I encourage you to drop everything and move here. Last Friday’s Frowback article might give you some pointers on how to make that happen. Meanwhile, I’m off to the swim-up cocktail bar at the hotel pool. See you’s mugs later!