Greetings, intrepid websurfer. I’m Seven. I live in Bangkok, the greatest city in the world in the greatest country in the world, Thailand. And this is my blog. Congrats on finding it.
Every once in a while, I like to post something that reminds my friends back in my home country of the US how much better my life is than theirs by listing all of my current woes. You see, dear reader, problems in Thailand aren’t like problems in the West. In fact, most of the people I know back home wouldn’t even call what I have “problems.” Because while they’re dealing with shit like $500 traffic tickets from a red light camera that’s owned by a private company not affiliated with the DMV and thus indisputable, I’m tackling trials like whether to have a cheeseburger or nachos for dinner. That’s a real dilemma for someone like me, whose life is by and large an absolute breeze. The severity of problems in Thailand pale in comparison to those suffered by the prisoners of that technocratic, totalitarian Orwellian hellscape that is America. So I take pleasure in rubbing it in their faces. And there’s a whopping 18 of them, so let’s get to it. Here’s a list of my problems:
1-During rainy season, my wi-fi sometimes gets spotty.
2-To keep my phone from auto-connecting to the wi-fi at Paddy Field whilst Ponging, I turn it off, and then often forget to turn it back on.
3-One night last week at The Steakhouse Co., I ordered Farmhouse Ale instead of my usual Prosecco. It wasn’t as good as I’d hoped.
4-On Saturday, the Cuban cigar I bought was wrapped too tightly.
5-Yesterday while waiting for my Foodpanda order, I watched on the interactive map the image of my delivery guy driving past my building in real time, then drive in circles around my apartment. It was agonizing.
6-Due to an old injury, one of my toenails grows out kind of wonky, so when I clip it, it sometimes digs into the skin as it regrows.
7-What I thought at first was colon cancer turned out to be constipation.
8-I bought an electronic insect repeller that’s supposed to drive them off, but what it actually does is make them dehydrated, so they all congregate in my kitchen sink.
9-When my air-con’s on, my apartment is too cold. When it’s off, it’s too hot.
10-Instead of walking the 50 feet to the garbage chute, my neighbor sets her trash in the hall outside her door until she leaves for work, which stinks up the entire floor.
11-Every day, I’m inundated with messages from girls who want to come over and bang, which means 1—I have to say ‘no’ to all but one (or two), and 2—I never get any downtime at home.
12-My latest daydrinking episode was cut short by a girl who texted to say she was on her way over. I had to quit boozing early in order to accommodate her wanton vajay. At times like that, I wonder how God could be so cruel.
13-I have to get rid of one of my long-time sex buddies because her new fake tits are too hard.
14-I overpay my cleaning lady. Which is to say, my cleaning lady is one of my harem who, after banging me, cleans my apartment. She’s terrible at domestic work, but amazing in the sack. So I live in—and have amazing sex in—a perpetually poorly-kept home.
15-Lately I’ve been cutting back on my red-light nights. This means that A—my alcohol tolerance has weakened, so I get a hangover more easily, and B—I have lots of unspent money burning a hole in my pocket. So to compensate, I’ve been buying a bunch of shit I don’t need off of eBay. Here’s what arrived in my mailbox this week: 4 bars of a discontinued Speed-Stik fragrance, an extra pair of wireless headphones, an extra iPod charger, a pedometer watch, a tape measure, a travel-size sewing kit, a lamp, a Joy Division poster, and a bracelet for my mom for her birthday. To be fair, those last two are actually stuff I need.
16-The girls of my harem like to use my hairbrush when they visit. This means that I must de-hair the brush between girls so that the next one doesn’t see the left-behind strands from the whore before. Not that they’d say anything—I’ve established a solid don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy about the existence of said harem. But I don’t want to create an environment for jealousy.
17-Speaking of toiletries, different members of the harem prefer different flavors of mouthwash, so I’m forced to keep several on hand and continually replenish them when they run out.
18-Speaking of toilets, the other day one of my girls went a little too far down on me and threw up in her mouth. Rather than spitting it into the toilet, she chose to clog my sink with it. Two bottles of Drain-o later and it’s still stopped up.
And that’s it for my latest list of problems. Read ‘em and weep, Western friends. But before you get annoyed or accuse me of having no sympathy, just remember: you too can move here and change your life from loathsome to awesome. You’ve no one to blame but yourselves.
Swing by on Friday for a frowback article, and between now and then keep your balls warm, your beer cold, and cheers to another week above ground—problems and all—in the greatest country on planet Earth: Thailand.