Take This Blog and Shove It, Part 6

Hey friends, it’s time for another shit-on-Thailand-while-I-live-and-work-in-Thailand blog from our favorite dipshit American farang chick. I think she might be slowly going insane, because each blog she writes seems to be stupider, more ridiculous, and more ass-brained than the one before. I’ve posted my responses to her literary diarrhea in italics. I know she’ll never read it, but it’s a cathartic process. Get a load of this load of shit:

“Dear Farangs: Stop Learning Thai 

Thailand stands out to many expats as an ideal country to live in. The food is affordable, the climate is bearable, and the women are attainable. Additionally, the barrier for entry into the “Land of Smiles” is low. If you can put together 1,000 units of your home currency every month and avoid slippery balcony ledges, you might never want to leave. Despite this, many foreigners take it upon themselves to learn the local language. These amateur linguaphiles defend themselves by saying things like, “It makes living here so much easier”, and, “I think the locals appreciate it”. So are they right? In short, no. Here’s why.”

Oh my God, you fucking retard. Of course it makes living here easier. Just because you’re too stupid and/or lazy to learn the language, you think everyone who does sounds like an idiot and it doesn’t affect their lives here. You’ve written several other blogs for Sweet3Mango where you bitch about the difficulties of living here. Literally all of the problems you whine about could be solved by being able to speak Thai. You are a moron.

“You don’t actually need to speak Thai. 

Having lived in various rural provinces around Central Thailand, I can tell you with full confidence that speaking Thai is completely unnecessary. Half of the white men married to Thai women can’t remember numbers, let alone tones and grammar.  Use your hands to gesture, your face to emote, and your common sense to guide you throughout the country.”

Holy shitballs, you’re actually trying to assert that relying on hand gestures and body language is easier than being able to speak the language? Listen, fucktard, here’s what you’re experiencing. You’re able to buy your Toblerone by pointing at it, and you think that’s substituting for knowing the language. Then, while the 7-11 clerks talk shit about you to your face, you’re none the worse for wear because to you it sounds like “bawk bawk bawk bawk” and you think to yourself, “What a silly language. Glad I’m not burdened with understanding it.”

And where’d you get that statistic, “half the white men married to Thai women” can’t speak Thai? I want to see your sources and research, because I suspect you just made that up. Y’know, that’s not what a respectable writer does. Posting blog after blog of utter bullshit that you pulled out of your ass isn’t blogging. It’s literary diarrhea.

“If there is any time that you really need some proper English to Thai translation, you have technology. No, I’m not referring to Google Translate. What I’m talking about is a calculator. Still convinced that you’ll be lost without textbook knowledge of Thai linguistics and syntax? Use those piercing blue eyes and fading good looks of yours to secure a real live Thai girl.”

I sense a real bitter hatred for the foreign men who come here and shack up with Thai women. What must your day-to-day be like, seething with venom every time you turn a corner and see a happy white dude with a smoking hot Thai girl? God, I bet you have ulcers.

“You look stupid. 

Think back to the last time you heard a foreigner in your home country make a mistake when speaking English. How did you respond? If you’re like most of the Western world, you regarded it as a necessary part of learning. You might have corrected them, but you didn’t pay it much mind as long as a thought was communicated. In Thailand, however, your grammatical errors and slight mispronunciations make you a giant red faced clown to the general public. Your stuttering and slurring are your oversized clown shoes. Your unintentional mistranslations are your glowing red nose. Your tongue-in-cheek colloquialisms are the frizzy rainbow wig pasted to your pale white head.”

Oh my God, no. Wrong on all counts, you fucking shitbag. Thais love and appreciate when a foreigner tries to learn and speak Thai. But you don’t know that, because—wait for it—you don’t speak Thai. So again, you’re talking straight out of your ass.

“You will not be respected for simply trying. If you’re a masochist and you don’t mind the public humiliation, by all means pick up a Lonely Planet phrase guide and entertain your local soup stand. Just be aware that you won’t ever be getting paid for your improv stand up routine.”

Everything you put to print is complete and utter bullshit. You don’t know what you’re talking about. Everything you say is wrong. You are a fucking idiot.

“Your ignorance makes you exotic. 

The reason foreigners are so beloved in Thai culture is because they’re different. A “fresh off the plane” farang shines like a newly installed fluorescent light bulb. From their sweaty foreheads to their knee high tube socks, every Western tourist is a walking billboard for White Excellence. “

Untrue. Many tourists are walking billboards for ignorance, disrespect, bad behavior, and stupidity. Don’t believe me? Find a mirror real quick.

“Thai people strive to speak English with the clarity and accent of a Native English speaker.”

No, they do not. You are fucktarded.

“Unfortunately, some expats throw this gift away in an attempt to get more “in touch” with the locals. Instead of finding pride in their heritage, these farangs fade into mediocrity by disturbing the public with their mediocre Thai skills. The best thing you can do to get noticed by Thai people is let your native tongue be heard through the streets of your local market.”

100% wrong. Farang who can’t speak Thai are often seen as easy targets by scammers. It’s true Thais love foreigners who are fresh off the plane, but it’s for the affirmation that tourists still come here in droves. It’s a comfort knowing their economy will continue to chug along.

“It hurts the Thai economy.

Thailand is ranked 64th in English proficiency according to the EF English Proficiency Index 2018. Singapore, on the other hand, maintains a top 3 spot alongside Sweden and the Netherlands. Singapore’s booming free market economy stands head and shoulders above Thailand, and their English proficiency is not a coincidence. So how are expats responsible for Thailand’s piss poor English speaking ability? You don’t have to look far to find highly skilled Western businessmen chatting with their coworkers in fluent Thai. That’s right, the very coworkers who need to hone their English speaking abilities are having to deal with attention seeking farangs who care more about looking well-travelled than furthering the education of their colleagues. Instead of asking your local chicken rice lady how to order soup, give her some free English lessons. She’ll appreciate you.”

That might be the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said on the topic of learning Thai. No, asshat, expats speaking Thai are not responsible for low English fluency in Thailand. Bad teachers, and not enough funding are the reasons. You colossal fool.

And are you actually suggesting that farang spend their free time giving free English lessons to the people they interact with? Do you honestly believe that would improve their fluency? How fucking retarded are you? There is nothing a farang can teach the noodle cart lady in 10 minutes that will make her a better English speaker. That’s not how language acquisition works, you idiot.

Fuck, how can you live here and be so completely wrong about everything? Do you walk around with your head up your ass or what? What’s the excuse for not having even the slightest grasp of the culture, norms, feelings, and motives of the Thai people? It’s disgusting. 

“It’s actually really hard, and you can’t use it anywhere else.

I mean seriously, have you tried figuring out the tones? If you want to learn a tonal language, pick Chinese. Way more useful. Unless you’re going to be one of the few white guys on Thai panel shows, there’s no reason to waste your time.”

‘I’m too dumb to learn Thai, so you shouldn’t try to, either.’ Fucking shithead.

“So the next time you hear your friend brag about their newest Thai vocab words, don’t react. Simply put your hand on their shoulder and calmly request that they stop. It’s literally ruining the country.”

No, it’s not. You’re quite possibly the stupidest blogger in Bangkok, and that’s saying a lot.

Take one second and actually listen to yourself. You’re actually stating, in a blog that you posted to the internet, that learning the language of the country you live in is a bad idea. Holy mother of God, the level of retardation is almost incalculable. 

Being able to speak Thai is awesome. I can cut in line, get discounts, and talk my way out of scrapes. Women clamor over younger, better looking dudes to get to me. I get home tired every day from the number of wai’s and handshakes I receive from the respect I garner from total strangers. Contrary to your ridiculous and brain-dead assertions, speaking Thai gets me special treatment everywhere I go. No one tries to cheat me, and the minute I begin to speak, I go from being treated like an ignorant tourist to being viewed as a local. The difference between not speaking Thai and speaking Thai is night and day. You wrote this pathetic blog because you can’t speak Thai, are too stupid to learn, and are filled with a mixture of hatred and envy for those who can. Y’know just like your hatred and envy of every white guy you pass with a hot Thai girl on his arm and a smile from ear to ear. Your blogs are literally telling foreigners to stop being happy, stop making their lives better, and stop making you look bad. You’re……you’re just awful. 

Swing by on Friday for a Frowback, and keep an eye out for my next takedown of this stupid cunt’s terrible blogs. And cheers to every expat who lives here without oozing stupidity and hatred through every pore in this paradise on Earth called Thailand.