Take This Blog and Shove It, Part 7

Holy crap, this stupid cow pumps out shitty blogs faster than I can rip them apart. Here we go again:

“Attention Thailand: How to Order Fast Food

Fast food seems to be a guilty pleasure for most Thais, and consequently their trips to Burger King or McDonald’s are few and far between. Additionally, most Thais didn’t grow up eating fast food, so their etiquette when approaching the counter could use some constructive criticism.”

Um, wrong. Etiquette is unique to each culture and country, NOT to the origin of the fast food chain. You stupid, stupid idiot.

“I recall a recent trip to Burger King on my lunch break. I had a quick 30 minutes to wolf down a whopper with cheese and some hash browns before waddling back to work. As I approached the short queue of two petite office girls, a squirrely little Thai guy snaked around me and stood in the queue. He even gave a timid little peek over his shoulder to see if I was going to call him out for his rudeness. I let it slide. How long could one guy’s order take?”

You are farang. That means that in Thailand, Thais will cut in front of you, because you are not on par with a Thai. Also, there’s no such thing as a queue in Asia. In every country on this continent, people simply crowd the register. How long have you been here?

“The two girls at the counter seemed to be bartering with the cashier. They had their phones out and opened to some kind of app, presumably Line Pay, and I guess they were figuring out the algebra to save upwards of 70 baht on lunch. Once they were happy with their options, they spent the next 30 seconds or so trying to scan a QR code off of their phone screen. It was infuriating. Not only was I starving, meters away from my hamburger, but I was being blocked by two wannabe Facebook influencers who would probably be satisfied with splitting a normal sized burger in half.”

You are a fat pig. You are also self-absorbed and self-serving, so of course you viewed this event as though the whole world is just a movie about your life and you’re the star. In point of fact, the girls trying to order with a new app were simply having trouble figuring it out. It had nothing to do with you, or your desire to stuff your face.

“Once the girls were accounted for, the guy in front of me stepped up. I would say that in the time it took the girls to order, he had a good 3 minutes to make up his mind. Not to mention the untold minutes he had walking to this Burger King. Was he ready to order? No, he was not. After stepping up to the counter, he pulled out a pack of Burger King coupons from his pocket and flipped through them, cross referencing the prices on the coupons with the menu on the counter. I was visibly frustrated now, my arms crossed and flexed, chest puffed out as if I was posing for a body building competition.”

In literally every country on Earth except the United States, this is how things go at ‘fast food’ joints. The only place where the food is actually fast is the US. You are not well-traveled enough to know this. You are stupid. I recommend choosing something healthier. There’s never a queue at the mango cart. 

“My friend spent the next couple of minutes casually flipping through his coupons, glancing at the menu, and ordering food. Much to my chagrin, he also paid with Line Pay which took a bit more time that just paying with cash.”

Yeah, no duh. No one in this scenario is in a hurry except you. This entire blog has been spawned from an imaginary non-incident that only happened in your mind because you were a hungry little piggy. Might I suggest you switch to a fruit shake or something that isn’t junk food? Your colon will thank you.

“What can we learn from this, Thai people?”

As with your other blogs, you erroneously think it’s the Thais who need to learn something. YOU are the foreigner in THEIR country. It is YOUR concept that is wrong, your ideas that are wrong, your opinions that are wrong, and your feelings that don’t matter.

“First of all, know what you want to order before you get to the cashier. How about this, maybe don’t even queue up unless you’re ready to order. This is not the market, you don’t get to weigh the flame grilled patties in your hand and small talk with the chef. Fast food is meant to be fast, every part of it. Your order, your payment, the construction of your meal, and even your shameful few minutes of eating alone should be done quickly.”

What you experienced is precisely what happens at Burger Kings all over the world except in the US—and even then, it happens pretty frequently. I’m not sure if you know this, but there are fruits and vegetables readily available at your local grocery store.

“Also, if you’re not experienced using your phone to pay, just use cash. I know that digital currency is the future, but it’s up to you to make it practical. Whatever you need to do to give your money to Burger King as quickly as possible should be set up before you place an order.”

“I’m a hungry hungry hippo, so you Thais better learn how to move faster, for my personal convenience.” Here’s a more practical solution: go fuck yourself. 

“Farangs, I have something to say to you guys, too. You’re also responsible for teaching etiquette to the locals.”

Oh, holy fucknuts, no we are not. If you think farang could or should try to teach etiquette to Thais in Thailand, you are a fucking shithead. 

“The next time someone cuts in front of you, call them out. Don’t worry about not speaking Thai, simply direct your honest comments at your aggressor in your native language. Even in a calm voice, your accusations will be sure to bring shame to the person in question, and maybe they’ll think twice about breaking the rules next time.”

If you do that, the one who loses face in that situation is you. Goddam, you’re stupid. Here’s a better idea: assimilate to the country you’ve moved to. In Thailand, western fast food comes slowly. If you want food faster than that, make it yourself at home and bring it to work in a lunchbox.


“Also, be sure to show your displeasure with people who take too long in queues. You don’t have to go full East coast America and heckle them, but you can loudly tap your feet and give a few audible sighs to speed things up.”

Attention farang: this dumbass is giving terrible advice. Do not listen to her. She is a moron.

“I know that in my story, I wasn’t practicing what I preach, but I’m trying to get better. I think self-improvement is the moral to this article, hopefully it inspires some of you.”

Please do try to get better at shaming slow-ordering Thais. I can’t wait to read the Coconuts article about you getting your ass kicked in Subway.

That’s all for “this week in farang retardation.” As for the prospect of reading her next article, I don’t think I can come through. Truth be told, this silly twat’s god-awful material is taking a toll on me. I feel like I get dumber after reading each one. Plus it’s clear that no one within advising distance of this troglodyte is going to tell her to stop, so she’s just going to keep on producing this hot garbage. And I honestly can’t take it anymore. If a cunt shits in a forest and no one’s around to see it, does it make a smell? Well, I can’t speak for the poor souls who do read her crap, but I for one am not going to put myself through it anymore. There are plenty of bad blogs by other people that I’m anxious to tear apart. This fool is too easy of a target. So cheers to looking on the brighter side of Bangkok, and thank your lucky stars you don’t have to deal with a whiny, self-absorbed child like this pathetic “blogger.” Swing by on Friday for a frowback. Peace out.