Where Have All the Hotties Gone?

Like a sod whistling past a graveyard or that character in the movie that says “How could things get any worse?” I foolishly published a blog last year lamenting the dwindling number of smoking-hot hotties in Thailand. It’s 15 months later, and the situation hasn’t improved. But, in an effort to find a silver lining, I think there’s a word or two of positive reinforcement to offer in spite of the tragic circumstance. But first, a revising of my initial assessment, previously published by BKKnites:

“If you’ve been in Thailand longer than 5 years, and if you’ve visited gogo bars and gentleman’s clubs during that time, you’ve probably noticed a disturbing trend: There are far less smoking-hot girls working in these establishments lately. Now, I know that beauty is a matter of taste, but if the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue (barring the latest ones celebrating fat women) has taught me anything, it’s that there is an objective standard for ladies who could be called the cream-of-the-crop—a scale, if you will. And the days of walking in to any bar in a red light district and seeing more than one or two 9s and 10s are over (with the exception of The Pimp and The Lion Club).

Why? Where have they all gone? It’s a mystery. Unless it’s not.

Local experts have their opinions, like the Junta cracking down on underage girls in the RLDs. I’m not convinced that’s the answer. Evidence points to one group being responsible for the dwindling numbers of really hot working girls in Bangkok:  the Chinese.

Two of my former playmates from the Pong have taken jobs in Chinese-owned gogos outside of Thailand. One is in Singapore, and the other is in Hong Kong. They’ve both told me they make more in one weekend than they would in a month’s time in Thailand. One has found a Chinese boyfriend and lives with him in Singapore. She comes back to visit her family a couple times a year. The other goes to Hong Kong for a few months and then comes home and lives off her earnings for the next several months, then goes back again. Why would anyone who could do that….not do that?

It’s a harsh new reality. In a global economic downturn, Thai tourism can’t compete with Chinese casinos and resorts—at least when it comes to luring the best women. At the same time that Bangkok RLDs are pulling in less money, the profits of Chinese-owned establishments are increasing. It only makes sense that enterprising young beauties with the right stuff would choose to get the most money they can for that stuff.

So this raises an important question: How to stem the receding tide of hot girls heading overseas? The answer is, don’t. Instead, it’s time to seek out beautiful newbies from the countryside to come to the big city and fill the gaps left by fleeing foxes. It’s time to recruit.

It wouldn’t be easy. Three or four times per year, a couple of talent scouts with connections in Korat and Isaan would have to schlep out to the bigger cities and troll for new fish in the bars there. Then you’d need a mamasan here in the city of angels who would take them in and look after them, wipe the crust out of their eyes, slap on a little eye shadow, and place them on various stages around the RLDs.  You’d also need a place to house them—cheap lodgings with several rooms and someone to keep an eye on them.

Of course, it would only be a matter of time before they got scooped up by the Triad and sent off to work in Macau or Taiwan. But if this machine worked correctly, by the time that happened a new crop of country rubes would be on BKK-bound buses, and the cycle would continue. Is there a better solution? I don’t see one. And while it may seem discouraging that such a monumental effort must be made in order to restore 9s and 10s to our beloved gogos, not to worry. This writer happens to know that a mamasan with a growing stable of coyotes is working to make this very scenario come to fruition. And who knows? In the near future, you might be reading a story by Seven regaling you with tales of weekend recruitment trips to Udon. Stay tuned.”

It’s been over a year since I first posted this sad dirge, and in that time more facts have come to light. Yes, much of the Thai talent is being pilfered by establishments in nearby countries where their brown skin and Yakuza-style back tattoos make them “exotic.” But there are other factors. For example, the overall fattening of the Thai people through the inundation of fast food and junk food into their diet has triggered a seismic shift in the weight of the average gogo dancer. Unless your specific fetish is chubby-chasing, this truth is a hard one to swallow. I can personally attest to it, having had to cut one of my harem loose after she packed on 10 kilos over the course of a few months. I told her she can come back when she drops the flab, but I’m not holding out hope. Additionally, many of the hot ones have fallen victim to a side-effect of their hotness, which is that they get banged more often which means their chances of getting knocked-up (yes it’s true, many customers don’t wear a condom), which means many of them have squeezed out kids recently. Then they either stay off the pole (looking at you Ploy and Bum, two of my most beloved harem, now ex-harem) or they come back with that post-baby flabby gut and/or stretch marks for days (Jane, Sai, Best, Pui, Nat, Kae, and Mint). God I hope none of those kids are mine.

And then of course, there’s the onward persistence of time. Girls who were hot 6 years ago are…well let’s be real, they’re probably still hot, that’s just Thai genetics. But some are past their prime. What’s not happening now that used to happen is the onslaught of youngsters from the country piling off buses daily to replace the aging whores in their swan song. For some reason, that’s just not happening. So maybe I really do need to get a tour bus and head out into the country to recruit. I mean, what’s the alternative? I was talking with Toby BKK the other day about the prospect of taking dudes on weekend benders to other locations. He proposed doing sexpat tours to Pnom Penh but I think it can be done locally—like on a boat up the river. Or maybe someone needs to build resorts in remote places, like the Bunny Ranch outside Las Vegas. It wouldn’t help a city rat like me, but maybe there’s a market for it.

And let’s be real, if you happen to be a chubby chaser then the Bangkok red-light scene is literally hog heaven for you. Lots of people like big girls, my brother for one. But for people like me whose eye gravitates to tight, fit hardbodies, the pickings are–ahem–slim. For the moment, at least, I’m unaffected. I have my harem and will hang onto them for the foreseeable future. When they get too old or have kids, I’ll have to think of something. But I’ll cross that bridge when I have to. The Thaitanic might be sinking but right now, I’m still on deck. The listing, creaking deck. Check back Sunday for the weekly, and between now and then keep your beer full, your balls empty, and cheers to those few remaining vixens that still rev our engines in the red-light. Peace!