Take This Blog and LOV–I mean Shove It, Part 8

Hey friends, it’s Seven, and I thought I had another “take this blog and love it” for you. Just like last week’s, it’s a blog by a terrible writer whose previous work has found its way to my “take this blog and shove it” series. There’s not much in this tripe to actually love, but I started out thinking this piece was at least a little bit loveable. However, by the time I got all the way through it, try as I might I couldn’t love it. So I’ve made it part of the “Shove It” series instead. Let’s take a gander at this steaming turd…

“Worst Thai Foods

Thai food is characterized by its contrasting flavors and vibrant colors. Savory meats are often stir fried together with fresh herbs and a few pinches of palm sugar. Meals are served with steaming portions of jasmine rice. Tables are set with porcelain jars filled with bitter fish sauces, spicy chili flakes, and sugar. Quality Thai food can be found anywhere; from tiny street stalls to expansive shopping malls. Adventurous eaters can always find new dishes to challenge their palate.”

5 passive voice sentences in a row. That must be some kind of record. Did you drop out of middle school or what?

“Unfortunately, not all Thai foods are created equal. For every plate of crispy fried pork or steaming bowl of chicken soup, there is a greasy plate of gristle and salt that no Youtube food blogger should dare to eat. These are the worst dishes that Thailand has to offer.

Take my word for it, avoid these foods at all costs.”

Why would anyone take your word for anything? You’re an ignorant newb pretending to be an experienced expat. Every time you put blog to web, you talk straight out of your ass.

“Pad Thai

Pad Thai is synonymous with Thai food culture, despite the fact that this slimy, grainy slop is so different from most Thai fare. Pad Thai is basically the suburban soccer mom’s idea of Asian food.”

Um, are you mentally retarded? Pad thai is the French fries of Thailand, you ass. Ever had a bad batch of fries? Just like all food, it depends where you get it. I’ve said this before—you live in a shitty area with bad street food. You need to get off your soi and try better fare in nicer neighborhoods.

“In fact, pad thai is about the only thing that your white family will eat at a Thai restaurant (but not before they ask for some General Tso’s chicken).”

Are you trying to be funny? You’re not. You are devoid of talent in both humor and writing ability. And do I detect a tinge of racism? Hate white people, huh? That must be rough, since 99% of expats in Thailand are white.

“Warm noodles, fried meat, and ground peanuts sounds more like ingredients to a college freshman’s hangover cure than a traditional Thai dish.”

It IS a traditional Thai dish, you stupid fuck. What’s going to escape your mouth next?

“The truth is that pad thai is more Chinese than it is Thai.

No, it’s not. The only place you can get pad thai in China is in a Thai restaurant. 

The Chinese brought gelatinous rice noodles, tofu, and dried shrimp with them over 250 years ago. This awful amalgamation of Thai and Chinese flavor profiles grew in popularity under the reign of Prime Minister Plaek Phibunsongkhram who enforced a nationwide cultural revolution. Aside from encouraging the consumption of pad thai, the PM also encouraged women to cover their bare chests and adopt more Western attire. The PM also established the modern Thai tradition of eating with forks and spoons in order to appear more civilized to Western countries. In many ways, pad thai is a lasting symbol of colonialism. Maybe that’s why white people like it so much?”

Holy shit, you’re retarded. Are you trying to say that ‘white’ people know the connection between pad thai and colonialism? Or are you saying that it’s so ingrained in their DNA that they unconsciously like pad thai because it’s evil, and in your warped mind all white people are evil? You’re a bigot, and a dick. By the way, copying and pasting from Wikipedia isn’t research. Spaghetti also originated in China, so is Italian food also colonial slop? Ketchup was invented in China, so I guess that means everything from hot dogs to French fries are connected to colonialism. Pad thai doesn’t exist in China. It is a quintessential Thai dish, and you’re a fucking idiot. Your personal dislike is not a universal fact. That’s not how writing works. You can’t take a bizarre, baseless belief that exists only in the confines of your warped, retarded brain and put it in a blog as if it’s a popular or proven truth. Idiot.

“Additionally, pad thai is one of the dirtiest street foods you can eat. Those wet, leathery noodles sit out in the warm sun and absorb brake dust while you poke around your change purse looking for the 30 baht you should be spending on charcoal pills. So yeah, not only does pad thai taste bad, it’s bad for you.”

You just described all street food. So no, pad thai isn’t any dirtier than anything else you eat on the street. You dumbass. And again, your sad small budget has forced you to eat in cheap, bad places. If you made more money or went to a better soi for street food, your experience would be the complete opposite. But you don’t know that because you’re ignorant, which is why your blogs are so fucking ridiculous.

“Blue Crab Somtam

The East has a drastically different perception of seafood compared to the West. In America when you order lobster you get a steamed, fat, meaty tail served with a bucket of melted butter. In the UK you can get a tender, fried fillet of fish served with thick cut fries. In Asia? Well, first of all you’re getting way more body parts than you’d like. While Westerners dine on meticulously deboned fish, Thais pick around, or fight over, eyeballs and fish lips. One of the most disappointing things that can happen to a curious foodie in Thailand occurs when you order a papaya salad with blue crab. You imagine that cold, crisp papaya served up with fresh chunks of tender crab meat. What you get tastes more like used toothpicks.

The blue crabs used in Thai dishes are so small that it’s hard to imagine that they’ve got any meat at all. To further exacerbate the problem, you’re expected to chew on the little crustaceans like they’re sunflower seeds. The labor involved with consuming these abominations is unequal to the value they provide in your meal. After a few minutes of scratching your gums with crab legs, you’ll pick around them just to eat a now overpriced papaya salad with occasional bug legs sprinkled in.

Most other crab is great though, just avoid these guys.”

If you order a lobster in a high-end restaurant in Bangkok, you will get a fat, meaty tail served with butter. Your problem, dipshit, is that you’re eating shit food made for poor people on the street. Yes, they give you the whole crab, including the eyeballs, guts, and asshole, because in poorer societies they don’t waste any of the animal. They eat it all, which is why you can also buy a long stringy grilled intestine on the street. It’s called offal, and people all over the world sustain themselves on this type of food. You are an inexperienced traveler and a jackass. But you’re right in asserting that crab somtam is gross.

“Raw Shrimp Salad

Occasionally you will find a viral Facebook video that catches your attention. When the subject being filmed is food, you’re struck by a morbid curiosity and a few pressing quesitons. Who eats things like this? What would that taste like? How did this happen?

You can start asking those questions about raw shrimp salad, a Lovecraftian horror served in Isan, the Northern region of Thailand. The shrimp in this salad are so raw that they flip around in panic as you collect them on your spoon. This dish is usually served as a side dish and is very popular after a few Hong Tong sodas.

The only reason this dish exists is because Isan is so hot and dry that the people there will eat just about anything, cooked or not. As a matter of fact, this whole list could be Isan food, but I’ll just mention one more.”

Yes, you’re right. This dish is gross. I guess you saw the episode of Bizarre Foods where Andrew ate these? Way to plagiarize, dude.

“Steamed Tadpoles

Animal rights activists might want to skip this part of the list altogether. This slimy dish is made by mixing up tadpoles and herbs, pressing them all together in banana leaves, and steaming them. You can imagine the texture as accurately as you can guess where this dish comes from. Yes, Isan once again. Do I need to say much more about this? Alright, let’s wrap this list up.”

You’re right, this dish is gross.

“Fried Chicken

This could be the most controversial item on this list. For whatever reason, farangs are amazed by the amount of mediocre fried chicken being served on Thai streets. Yes, fried chicken is popular in pretty much every country, but there’s a reason why Thai people love KFC so much.

It’s important to note that all of that copper brown fried chicken you see on your way home from work was cooked that morning.”

Hey dumb-dumb, unless you make fried chicken at home, you’re eating chicken that was cooked that morning. From the street to KFC to Hooter’s, the chicken is pre-cooked.

“If you are unfortunate enough to settle for some of that sun aged chicken you’ll be tasting hours old, oily chicken jerky with salty, stale skin. God forbid you get a piece that was undercooked that morning. The only good fried chicken item you can expect to find at your local market is fried chicken skin. Seriously, that stuff is always cooked to perfection.”

Again, you’re eating street food on the wrong soi. There are some excellent fried chicken carts in choice areas around Bangkok. You just don’t know where they are because you haven’t lived here long enough or explored beyond the crappy neighborhood where you live.

“Hopefully you take this list to heart and save yourself the stomach problems you could have had if you decided to consume any of the culinary catastrophes. This list should not only help you enjoy your food adventures in the country, but also save you a few weeks of Thai tummy.”

Uh, no, your stupid list won’t help anyone enjoy their food adventures in Thailand. Because it sucks. Here’s a better list of foods to avoid:

Squirrel, larb leuat neua, 100 year old eggs, larb mote daeng, pig-faced cat, sea lice, worms, scorpions, beetles, baak bpet, duck embryos, grasshoppers, intestines, grilled rat. 

As you can see, there just isn’t enough to love in this shit stain of an article. He only got two things right, but to be fair that’s righter than he’s been in the past. Thanks for more mock-fodder, ding-dong. And just like his wife, I’m going to have to stop reading his stuff. The racism, the stupidity, the air of superiority while spewing completely retarded bullshit–I just can’t take it anymore. There are plenty of other idiots with bad blogs to make fun of, so stay tuned for one of those. Until then everyone, keep your balls warm, your beer cold, and cheers to those of us who know where the good street food is in this, the greatest city in the best country on Earth—Thailand.