Take This Blog and Shove It, Part 9

Recently I ran across a blog called “8 reasons why I hate Thailand” written in 2011 by an American woman in her 30s. Now, if you have a brain in your head, you already know why a white unattractive battle-axe would hate Thailand. They all do, because they’re not relevant humans in Thailand. They have no value in this society. But it was still fun to tear her blog apart and shit all over every stupid thing that escaped her mouth. Here’s my response to her nonsense (responsense for short, copyright BKK7). She’s a real piece of work.

“1) On the 1st day, we almost got sucked into the seedy side of Bangkok in a similar fashion as The Hangover 2, but it could have turned out much worse because we are females & didn’t have trusty problem solver Bradley Cooper on our side. All of which occurred while we were simply trying to be friendly with the locals.”

Uhhhh, are you sure you’re a blogger? Because you didn’t provide any information in that statement. What “seedy side” are you talking about? Your photo was taken in the daytime, so what “seedy” activity did the lady offer you? Not a ping pong show, and certainly not dirty massage because you’re a female. And the gogos don’t open till 20.00. So what are you babbling about? My guess is….nothing. You weren’t almost “sucked” into a “seedy” anything. And the Hangover was just a movie. It was fiction. Your entire concept of Thailand is based on fiction.

“2) On the 1st day, we did get sucked into the full-moon “trains are full scam” & were charged 3 times the going rate for the bus. ($40+ USD per person for 1 way to Koh Samui is likely unprecedented and they most assuredly had a banquet in our honor later the same evening)” 

Only human trash go to the full moon party. By going there, you’re announcing to all of Thailand that you’re a scumbag. And if you fall for one of the usual scams, it means you’re an ignorant rube. It’s your fault for not properly Googling Thailand before coming here. It’s a Thai’s right to scam stupid people. The fault is not theirs for scamming you. The fault is yours for allowing yourself to be scammed. By the way, was that a combo price for the bus and the ferry? Because depending on your departure point, $40 isn’t totally unreasonable for that. If you’d have gone to the bus station like a normal person, you would’ve paid a lot less. It sounds to me like you purchased a VIP package. The person to blame in this scenario is you.

“3) On my 3rd day, we discovered several fellow passengers were “separated” from their belongings on that same bus through an inside job.”

No, you didn’t. If “several passengers” were robbed on a bus, there’d be a full police investigation. If you’re going to make up stuff to blog about, you need to learn to lie better. 

“4) The sheep herder mentality of the tourism industry in Thailand is one of the worst I’ve experienced. (Although, to be fair, I have experienced worse) Once on a Thai bus or van, you seemingly become their “property.” Several times, I felt like a victim in a human smuggling ring.”

Human smuggling results in the sex slavery and/or murder of the victim, so at best, you’re exaggerating. You’re a spineless ponce and an asshole. You were inconvenienced. You were not smuggled.

“Although the drivers all spoke English well enough, they neither explain nor comfort you whatsoever along the journey.”

Wait, what? Comfort you? What the hell are you babbling about? Since when is it the driver’s job to comfort you? Maybe global travel isn’t your thing, if you think strangers are supposed to coddle you along the way.

“On one occasion, we were dropped off at a house in the middle of nowhere for our “connection” and simply told to wait indefinitely.”

No you weren’t. You perceived that it was a house because you are stupid. You assumed the wait was indefinite because no one told you how long it would be. They didn’t tell you because they didn’t know.

“In Phuket, a group of us were abandoned at a remote police station to fend for ourselves in finding a taxi in the middle of the night. (Thankfully the police were awake and made some phone calls arranging taxis for us.)”

Hahahahahaha. Sorry, I don’t mean to laugh, but it’s hilarious when tourists complain about not knowing how to navigate their way through a country when they don’t speak the language, and didn’t do any research before coming. Ignorant tourists are taken advantage of in Asia. Because they’re ignorant, and they make it easy. Clearly, you haven’t traveled much in 3rd World and developing countries. You’re a spoiled baby who should’ve stayed at home. 

“5) When asking for a specific bank’s closest ATM machine, I was told it was a few blocks away and would cost 100 Baht on a motorbike (=3.3 USD). First, a dollar a block is outrageous in a taxi, let alone a tuk tuk. Thus, 100 Baht is a rip-off for a ride on the back of a motorbike. So, I smiled & told the guy ‘I’m not stupid.’”

Oh, you’re definitely stupid. 100 baht for a round trip means 50 baht per trip. Do you need a calculator?

“A half block of walking later, I see the ATM for the bank I asked for at the end of the same block on which we were standing. (mind you, I showed them an old ATM receipt with the bank logo – one of the most common banks in Thailand. Thus, no confusion could be had on their part)”

Duh! Where did you get the moronic idea that a taxi driver’s responsibility is to know where ATMs are and to direct you to them? I have no idea about the location of ATMs of banks I don’t bank with. Also, if you did just a little bit of research about Thailand, you’d know they don’t like to say “no” or admit they can’t help you, so they do the best they can with the info they have. Also, if you’re mad at the taxi man for trying to help you while also making a living, you’re kind of a dick.

“6) I have spent a lot of time at BKK airport in the past few months (like 60 hrs 2 minutes & 35 seconds give or take a few hours/minutes/seconds). Last time, I was approached by 4 men who seemed friendly enough. Within minutes, they were trying to persuade me to ditch my plans of volunteering in Cambodia to join them in Pattaya as if I were a prostitute. And, a very nice Thai lady wanted to take me home with her so I wouldn’t have to wait at the airport until 10am. (could have been innocent enough on her part, but still an awkwardly random experience for me)”

Wait, are you blaming Thailand because some random tourists tried to talk you into going to Pattaya? You’re an asshole. And if the men you refer to were Thai, they had no intention whatsoever of sleeping with you. They wanted to make money by charging you to be transported to Pattaya so they could put food in the mouths of their children. And yes, more than likely the Thai woman was trying to help you out in an act of pure, selfless kindness. And you chose to see some nefarious motive in it? You are a gaping prolapsed asshole.

“7) Phuket deserves special mention:

  1. a) At Patong beach, we almost got sucked into the Absolute Hotel scratch card scam, but thank goodness for Google on that one.”

You failed to mention that the Absolute Hotel scam is perpetrated by foreigners, not Thais. 

“b) You literally cannot walk down Bangla Road in Patong without being accosted by the guys showing nudie cards of ping-pong shows & various other sexual performances available. We tried to avoid running into them several times, but to no avail. (Khao San Rd in Bangkok can’t even compete with Bangla Rd in this regard)”

You also can’t walk down the road without being accosted by tailors and masseuses, but I guess since those aren’t “naughty” by Western standards, you have no problem with them. You see, asshole, there’s nothing wrong with someone offering you a service. It’s your American sense of morality that causes you to incorrectly find fault with it. Because you’re an asshole. Also, you were on BANGLA ROAD. What in the unholy FUCK did you expect? Do people walk into the Crazy Horse in Las Vegas and say “Hey, what’re all these strippers doing in here”? No. Because that’s the appropriate setting for strippers. Having said that though, maybe you’d feel more comfortable in a convent, because compared to Amsterdam and Burning Man, Bangla is pretty tame.

“c) Per capita, I truly believe Patong is more overtly sexualized than bangkok. At least there are some tourist activities in Bangkok, such as the royal palace or floating markets.” 

Wow, what a brainless, dickheaded thing to say. Bangkok is a city. It has banks, schools, hospitals, malls, art galleries, 5-star hotels, open markets, restaurants, barber shops, bars, pubs, clubs, zoos, amusement parks, parks, museums, gyms, car dealerships, and everything else every other city in the world has. In addition, there are dozens if not hundreds of things for tourists to do. The fact that you refer to Bangkok as sexualized-plus-palace-and-floating-market betrays your narrow, stupid, prejudiced mindset. Speaking of, if you think Patong is just about sex, maybe you should’ve waddled your perverted ass off of Bangla Road. You would’ve seen lots and lots of places and activities that have nothing to do with sex. Did you venture a mile beyong Bangla in any direction? I lived in Phuket for a year in a small town north of Patong. There was nothing even remotely “sexualized” in that tiny fishing village. You are a brain-dead, shallow fool.

“d) Lastly, to Patong’s detriment, there appear to be more visible elderly male expats who’ve set up business for the wrong reasons if you know what I mean. Or, more elderly white men hanging around solo for ‘no particular reason.’” 

Uh, no. I don’t know what you mean. What “wrong reasons” are you stupidly spouting off about? And who made you the decider of what’s right and wrong? And who appointed you the judge of what men can and can’t do solo? You came here in search of happiness. Are you actually saying that a man can’t do the same exact thing? What kind of bigoted shit is that? Older white men come to Thailand for several very RIGHT reasons, some of which are: their retirement savings stretches further, the weather is warm year-round, healthcare is cheap, and they can find female companionship. Who the fuck do you think you are to pass judgment on them for that? A widower or divorcee has virtually no chance of finding another mate in the West, because cunts in the West tend to want young, attractive, wealthy men as partners, or they’re after a fool’s pension. Meanwhile he can come here and find someone younger and hotter and kinder than you who isn’t a bitter, horrid, self-absorbed shrew. Ohhhh, wait. I think I just figured out why you’re upset about it.

“So, literally I say fuck Patong beach on Phuket. I’ll sail from your ports, but will not support your economic growth (unless the ferries are harbored due to the weather of course)”

Oh, good. The fact that you won’t go to Patong anymore, or “literally” fuck it, which I assume would consist of you rubbing your bare c*nt on the pavement up and down Bangla Road is great news for anyone in Patong. You don’t belong there, idiot. Your fat, ugly, unsightly presence in Patong is akin to a boil on a ballsack. And FYI, the ferries don’t leave from Patong. Dumbass.

“e) This list doesn’t even take into account a random shooting incident we witnessed on Nai Thon beach which drove us away and down to Patong to begin with. (an entire post will likely be devoted to that someday since Linda’s not-so-ninja-like evasion moves still cause us to bust a gut)”

I’m from Los Angeles. In a given year, more people are shot within a mile of my childhood home than in the entire country of Thailand. Your stupid perceptions are not facts. You should not blog or travel.

“8) So, on to my beloved Phi Phi & why I hate thee too at times:”

Only scum go to Phi Phi. You are scum. You are an ignorant tourist doing a drive-by blog on a country you know nothing about. Phi Phi is for drug addicts, pseudo-hippies, Eurotrash, and pretend trekkers. It’s like going to Vegas and staying at Circus Circus. You are a smegma stain on the panties of humanity.

“a) They collect 20 baht at the pier to keep Phi Phi “Sparkling Clean,” but there are no public garbage receptacles to be found anywhere on the island, let alone on it’s idyllic beaches. I’d gladly give double or more if I knew it was being put to such actual use. (when local businesses host clean-up events with their own time, energy & money, obviously the coin is missing the wishing well somewhere)”

It sounds suspiciously like you’re blaming Thais for the litter of foreigners. The dick in this scenario is you. Not Thais. And since you left in 2011, great strides have been made in the cleaning and preserving of the islands. So please do stay away.

“b) Buckets – The club culture/tourism on Phi Phi is destroying not only the ecosystem, but also the vibe.”

Yeah, no duh. It raises the question: Why do you contribute to that culture by going there and doing that? Did you forget that YOU are a tourist? Dipshit.

“c) Sadly, Phi Phi is overbuilt, overpopulated & overtaxed environmentally. Even more sad is the fact it appears many local residents are more concerned with the instant gratification the island is currently receiving in tourist dollars. They do not seem concerned about sustaining the environmental balance of a world renowned and geographically astounding tourist destination, let alone their children’s future.”

“Ohh, m’dGod, these Thais don’t, like, care about the environment.” That’s because they’re too busy trying to keep a roof over their heads and clothes on their backs. They don’t have the luxury of being woke, you privileged, stuck-up, ignorant asshole. Also, “Even more sad is the fact it appears…” is incorrect grammar. The adjective is “sadder,” and you missed the word “that” in that sentence. And I’m not going to tell you where. Your middle school teacher should’ve taught you THAT.

“d) The sheer number of men (and probably women) literally pissing in the ocean each night at the beach clubs is definitely cause for concern. At any given time, one might see 10-15 guys peeing at once into the “waters” on Loh Dalum bay, with no respect for tides, sanitation or the unrecovered tsunami victims they may be pissing on.”

Again, you’ve pointed out something that foreigners are doing to ruin Thailand. The thing to hate here is the scumbag tourist pissing into the ocean. Looking down your nose and pointing fingers as if you’re not also a crappy guest in a country that doesn’t belong to you isn’t virtuous. It’s pig-headed. And did you really just say the ocean pissers have “no respect for tides”? What the everloving fuck are you babbling about? Like there’s a better tide-related time to piss in the ocean? Uh, sir, the next time you take a leak into the Andaman, would you please have the courtesy to stop and check the lunar phase? Fuck off.

Thus ends this idiot’s ridiculous hate-Thailand blog. It’s pretty easy to pick apart tirades by straight white women who come to Thailand expecting not to see what they know they will, and then pretend to be surprised and disgusted when they get a dose of exactly what they should’ve known they would. Thailand is a tropical paradise. It’s also a land of hedonism for men who otherwise wouldn’t get any attention from women in their entire lifetime back home. It’s also in Asia, where civilization formed thousands of years ago without the influence of Western Judeo-Christian values. Sex is not immoral in Thailand. American tourists who come here and expect the people to share their same hang-ups about coitus as recreation are fucking retards. Like the shithead who wrote the above blog. Take your blog and shove it up your ass, lady. It’s the only action you’re going to get in this country. Next time, go someplace where your equity as an overweight, unattractive, past-your-prime female has value, like an island of blind limbless men. You can’t compete with women in Thailand, and you were stupid to think you could. Bye!