Take This Blog and Shove It, Part 11

Hello reader, it is I. Bangkok Seven. Here to regale you with another shitty blog written by a numbskull and my accompanying evisceration of said blog. Let’s see, which literary underwear skid-mark have we got today? Oh look! Another overweight female Millennial came to Thailand and—surprise!—didn’t like it. I can’t wait to hear what this dipshit has to say. Let’s dive in:

“At the end of October in 2015 I hauled my big pack across the world to settle down in Thailand for a year.”

So what do you want, a medal? For doing what millions of people have done? You’re not special, honey. And the fact that you think you are betrays how childish, stupid, self-absorbed, and narrow-minded you are. This is gonna be fun.

“I got a job teaching English before I came over and got an apartment the day after I arrived in a small city in lower northern Thailand, called Phitsanulok.”

That’s the fuckin’ boonies, dumb-dumb. You got a healthy dose of culture shock.

“I moved to Thailand extremely hopeful, and definitely nervous. I was the first full-time English teacher at the language school where I work, but was promised a second and third teacher would be coming soon.”

Those teachers are not coming. The school can barely afford to employ you. Pull your head out.

“The food is delicious, and I learned to ride a scooter about 2 weeks after arriving. I was excited to explore, to learn a new language, to work with children, and to meet new friends who could relate with my crazy idea to move abroad. But very quickly my hopeful attitude towards all the good things I wanted to happen changed. Now I’m no longer hopeful and am just down right sad, bored, homesick, and not loving life. (Those promised teacher’s? Still not here.)”

Congrats, you’re experiencing what every single person who’s relocated to a new country also experiences. But because you’re a Millennial, and you think you’re unique, and you have no spine because no one ever taught you self-reliance and discipline, you’re running home to mommy. By the way, your idea to move abroad isn’t “crazy.” In fact, many people believe that staying in your lame home country doing the same thing day after day is crazy. The fact that you think moving to Thailand is in some way heroic or sets you apart proves you’re just one of the mundane milquetoast douches that belongs back in your home country. You had no business moving here in the first place.

“Do I need to be loving life every second? No. But I need to be loving some part of my life enough to make me stay here. And the truth is that there is nothing I love enough to stay here.”

That’s awesome news. The last thing Thailand needs is another eat-pray-love simpleton who expects Thailand to change for her. Don’t let the durian hit you in your fat ass on the way out.

“A short two and a half months after I moved myself across the world I have decided to leave, and go right back to where I came from. I’m going home without traveling through Southeast Asia first, or to Australia like I thought I would. I’m going back to cold, snowy Canada to live with my parents (and I’m more than happy to).”

Baaaaaaahahahahahahahahaaaaa! Cruel reality: 1. Sniveling worthless Millennial: nil.

“Before I left Canada I told myself I would give it a full three months before I made a decision, to truly get a feel for the city, culture, and job. But I think I got a feel of it a lot faster than I expected and I knew my answer sooner.”

Nope, you’re just a weak, fickle douchebag. And you abandoned those kids, who were relying on you, and shirked your commitment because you are human garbage. You lack self-discipline, dependability, responsibility, fortitude, work ethic, self-esteem, brains, courage, endurance, and character. You are in a nutshell a worthless human being. Never ever leave your parents’ basement.

“The truth is that moving abroad is not easy. It’s not all fun and games and discovering new things. Yes, those are parts of moving abroad, but anyone who has moved abroad will tell you that it’s terrifying, exciting, thrilling, and nerve-wracking all at the same time. It’s a whirlwind of emotions everyday.

I like Thailand, I really do. But living here has me craving more things from home than things I like here.”

Yes, the truth is that moving abroad is not easy. Did you think it would be? You brainless, flighty, flippant pantywaste. And just FYI, craving things from home is called being homesick. Everyone gets it. Three months is not nearly enough time to acclimate to a new environment. You have no sense of adventure, no ability to assimilate, and no strength of will. You are a wet noodle.

“I live in a small city with very few foreigners, tourists or travellers rarely pass through here and when they do that’s all they do, is pass through. And I know that looking for foreigners is not the way to go, but in a city where so few Thai people speak English I found myself heading for spots where I could find some friendly faces that spoke more than my awkward sign language and broken English to communicate.”

That makes you a douche. A real adventurer would avoid fellow foreigners, learn the language, make friends of locals, and thrive. Like I did, and like thousands of people do who are stronger, better, and smarter than you. By the way, that statement has so many grammar errors I can’t begin to correct them.

“Many Thais are scared of me, because I’m a farang, which made it all the more difficult to find people to communicate with. The ones that could talk English were so nervous to that I didn’t know who they were because they’d never speak.”


I’ve met hundreds of Thais. Maybe one in a thousand is “afraid” of farang, and it’s because they had a bad experience with one. I’d bet money that, in your encounters with Thais, the person who was “afraid” was not the Thai—it was you.

Low English fluency Thais are nervous to speak English because they believe they will lose face if they make a mistake. It’s your job as the teacher to make them feel comfortable with language errors. It’s a necessary step toward fluency. It sounds lke you’re just a bad teacher.

“On top of that majority of the foreigners here are middle-aged men who have Thai wives, who are all very friendly, but not exactly a crowd I thought I would be spending my year with. And my teaching assistant’s English is so weak that our conversations usually involve me miming, or her showing me pictures of her travels.”

“On top of that majority…” Who taught you how to speak? This is improper grammar. And who did you think you “would be spending your year with”? Lemme guess, you thought you were going to meet a cute guy your age with a manbun and a love of different cultures. Idiot. And no duh your assistant doesn’t speak English. You went to a town in the middle of the countryside. Where and when would any of those people have a chance to learn English? That’s why YOU’RE there. To TEACH THEM.

“So with a lack of friends (believe me I made an effort to find some) I was lonely, spending my days scrolling through Facebook and Instagram looking at pictures of other travel bloggers explore beautiful cities while I sit here day-dreaming of where to go next.”

Setting aside the grammatical errors of that statement, I see your problem. You traveled to a small backwater town in Thailand to see what manner of fun Thailand would provide for you. You took a job as a teacher not because you wanted a job or wanted to teach. You wanted a holiday. If you wanted a holiday, you should’ve booked a month at the Hilton in Hua Hin. But that’s not what you did. You accepted a teaching position in Podunk nowhere. And that’s exactly what was waiting for you when you arrived. You saw yourself as the main character of a coming-of-age romantic comedy worthy of a Cannes Film Festival award. The architect of your sad situation was you. Because you’re an idiot.

“And with little communication I found myself going crazy. Majority of the people I talk to are under the age of 7 as I teach mostly kindergarten. The number of times I’ve said all the colours, and counted to ten…”

Sentences don’t begin with the word “majority.” In addition to not teaching you how to speak correctly, your schooling also failed to teach you responsibility. You accepted a job teaching children and then moaned about having to teach children. Do you want your readers to feel sorry for you? Because the only person to blame for your situation was you.

“Not to mention that this city is an hour away from anything “major.” Sukhothai is the closest city, but nothing is easy to get to. Public transportation? Forget it. No car or scooter? You’re getting no where even just in the city. So even exploring nearby areas is challenging.”

Again, it sounds like you don’t realize you are the one who put yourself in that situation. “Like, Oh m’Gawd, there’s like, no Starbucks like, anywhere near here.” No shit, Sherlock. Guess who’s fault it is that you were in the middle of nowhere? Yours.

“I also didn’t love my job. I thought teaching would be more fun, but I found myself more disappointed than anything. Frustrated that I had to repeat the same thing for the millionth time, and losing my voice because I spent most of my classes yelling over screaming children.”

Ohh, I see. So you don’t know how to teach. OK that’s definitely a problem. Maybe since you don’t know how, you shouldn’t have taken a teaching job. And in typical Millennial fashion, you blame the situation for your unhappiness rather than yourself for putting you there.

“I was told that I just had bad luck, that I ended up at a school that didn’t show me the real kids in Thailand that are enjoyable to teach. I was told that Chiang Mai or another more touristy city would be better.”

Who told you it was bad luck? Lemme guess, another Millennial. It wasn’t bad luck, sweetheart. It was stupidity. Your stupidity. Smart people do research before heading off to a place they’ve never been before. Smart people know that while a job can be fun, work is also WORK.

“Are these all excuses for me to leave? Maybe that’s what you think, maybe you think I didn’t give it enough time, or that I didn’t explore or try enough. Did I give it my absolute all? No. I could have tried a little more or explored a little further. But I was tired of everyday being so challenging that I wanted to quit. And quitting is not the end of the world.”

“Everyday” is an adjective, not a noun. And all you’re really saying here is “I’m a spineless shitbird who lacks the skills, character, and strength needed to live abroad, or for that matter, be responsible.” Wow, check that out, I rewrote your blog for you in one sentence. You’re welcome. Also, “Quitting is not the end of the world” is the official motto for the Millennial generation.

“I knew that staying here would only make me more unhappy, and I know that the moment I decided to go home was the moment that I started feeling better. I stopped crying everyday over the smallest of things like thinking of my family or getting frustrated from driving on streets with no rules that anyone actually follows.”

“Everyday” is an adjective. What you mean to say is “every day.” And if you were crying every day over missing family and not knowing how to drive in a country whose culture is the polar opposite of yours, then you made the right decision to turn tail and run. You are a milquetoast individual. You belong back home.

“No, there is nothing wrong with Thailand or the school I work at. It had everything to do with me. We weren’t the right fit, and I’m not going to sit around any longer telling myself that only time will help. I know what makes me happy, and right now I now that only home will make me happy.”

It’s not that you weren’t the right fit. That’s something Millennials tell themselves so they don’t have to say “I’m a stupid weakling and I shouldn’t leave home.” You’re mommy’s precious little snowflake and you have no business traveling abroad.

“Did I find all of the answers I wanted to while living here? Absolutely not. I definitely set my exceptions for self discovery a little too high. But I sure as hell learned a lot about myself in a short time that I never would have learned at home.”


You learned nothing about yourself. In order to do that, you would’ve had to remain in the face of adversity, to overcome your fears and petty feelings. You would’ve had to own up your weaknesses and overpower them. You set NO expectations for self-discovery. You set expectations for a fictional experience akin to Stella getting her groove back (as an ignorant Millennial you won’t understand that reference so Google it). You are a weak imbecile.


“I have zero regrets about my choice to move here or move home, and I believe that I’m leaving this situation a better, stronger, more confident and caring individual. I even squeezed in a vacation to Phuket (no regrets ever when it involves a beach).”

Ahh, the constant mantra of the Millennial. “Girlfriend, I got no regerts. I got so few regerts that I got it tattooed on my earlobe, see? It says no regerts.” Of course you have regrets, but admitting your mistakes demands 1—a spine, which you don’t have, and 2—correcting those mistakes, which you lack the ability to do.

“I was told that everyone loved Thailand, that everyone who moved here to teach English had the time of their life. That’s great, but it isn’t for me. And listening to what everyone else had to say made me hopeful, but it doesn’t help change the situation I’m in here.”

What a weird, nonsensical statement. You were told? By whom? And they told you that literally everyone loved Thailand and teaching in Thailand? My God, that’s an astounding statistic. 100% of the people who talked about teaching in Thailand told you they loved it? Fucking hell that’s amazing. And untrue, of course, but since you’re an ignoramus, you didn’t know another way to say “my experience isn’t like others that I’ve read about.” Oh and by the way, do you want to know why you didn’t love Thailand? It’s really simple. There are 3 reasons: 1—you moved to the middle of nowhere to do a job you weren’t trained for and didn’t want to do in the first place, 2—you’re mentally, emotionally, and spiritually feeble, and 3—you’re a straight white unattractive female. You’re a useless resource in a country crawling with gorgeous Thai women who have a better attitude than you. Ironically, the only value you could’ve had here would’ve been as a competent English teacher.

“Moving abroad is not for everyone, but I like to believe that it is for me. Now that I know Thailand wasn’t the right place maybe I’ll make a smarter choice next time. Australia anyone?”

Moving abroad is not for you. You’re not equipped for it. And you can’t get a work visa in Australia because they don’t need you or want you there. I’m not kidding, Google it. Do some actual research before getting on the plane this time. Ass.

And that’s it for this week’s Shove It article. There are a lot of lessons to unpack here. Majority of them directly tied to grammar mistakes and low IQ. I don’t know what your takeaway will be from this sad sack’s tragic tale. Mine is this: thank God stupid fat Millenial farang women leave Thailand, and thank God they’re dumb enough to blog about it when they get home, so I can have someone to laugh at. And cheers to another week not married to or involved with one of these pathetic sows. Now, I’m off to the Pong. Peace!