Advice From Seven: Keeping a Harem

How many countless lonely hearts have boarded a Bangkok-bound plane over the last half-century in the hopes of getting lucky with a dark-haired beauty in TLOS? How many have boarded a homeward-bound plane a week later with a head full of crazy x-rated memories to keep them company back home? How many have found lifelong love with one or more of those caramel-skinned wonders?

One might believe that the only two outcomes from a Thai liaison are the ones described above. Either short-time fun or a long-time ball and chain. But there is a third option. It’s Seven’s preferred option, and he’s become something of an expert at it over the last decade. That option is a harem.

A harem, in this case, means a small collection of friends-with-benefits, or what Thais would call ‘giks.’ They aren’t women you love, per se, and there are no overt expectations of fidelity or monogamy from either party. They’re like hummingbirds, hovering nearby and occasionally dipping in for some sweet nectar, meaning they come over regularly for a roll in the hay, usually in exchange for rent or diaper money, which they then take back to the boyfriend they’re cheating on or child they’re raising. They live two separate lives, one of which is the one you see. It consists of casual, fun, sporadic encounters with their benefactor. No one argues, complains, or demands compromise. No one gets hurt. It is a self-contained biosphere of bootie, with the benefactor-slash-pimp daddy at the center, like a sun around which young naked planets follow an elliptical orbit, regularly floating in close to bask in the warm glow of their celestial energy source before spinning out into the cosmos, only to return again and again with predictable frequency. I think I like the hummingbird analogy better.

Since moving to Thailand, I’ve had harems as large as 11 and as small as two. This was after an initial foolish attempt to have only one steady girlfriend. It turns out that, for me, maintaining a relationship here is just as futile as it is in the West. So once I gave up on that foolish and wasteful endeavor, and fully embraced a pimp’s lifestyle, everything in my universe smoothed out and life became the dream I’d always longed for. And just in case there’s someone reading this who doesn’t yet know how to keep a harem, and wants to learn, you’re in luck. I’m about to tell you. If you haven’t got the basics down, it’s virtually impossible, though once you learn to abide by these five rules, the whole thing becomes pretty effortless. Here’s the lowdown:

First, know your limit. As I said before, my harem has, in the past, swelled to a whopping 11 ladies. This is far too many, even for the most virile monger. There simply aren’t enough days in the week to keep them all happy. Personally, I’ve found the right number to be 5, though there’s always inevitably a 6th. She’s the one you wish would move on but gets stuck in and refuses to take the hint. And you can’t bear to let her go, either out of sympathy, nostalgia, habit, or the fear that if the others disappearing, in a pinch you’ll wish you had good old number 6. So I now I say I have 5 with one alternate.

Second, know your limitations (financially speaking). Your harem girls will always want more than you’re willing or able to give, so you must be disciplined in not doling out too much. It’s your responsibility to keep their expectations low and force them to be content with less. Think of it as a teachable moment. Also, one or more of your harem will be in a constant state of financial crisis. This is because they’re poor planners and they constantly live beyond their means. They will at times either deliberately or inadvertently try to guilt you into giving more than you’re willing or able to. In those cases, you must stand strong. If you give in, you’re hurting both parties. It’s not enough to just bang these girls. You must be a guide, a mentor, and often a disciplinarian which is why my bed is equipped with restraints and a draw full of whips, chains, and ball gags.

Third, keep a schedule. Your girls will want to see you on certain days. This becomes apparent near the 1st of the month when rent comes due. Of the lasses in my harem, half are careful planners. They message me several days in advance to ensure that I’ll be free on the day they want to come, and I put them on the calendar. This ensures that 1—I’ll remember who and when, and 2—I won’t double book. The other half never think beyond the next meal, and constantly message throughout the week to ask “Today? Can I come today?” at which point I have to check my appointments and more often than not find a different day for them to come over. And if they can’t make it on that day, tough titties. The girls have to work around my schedule, not vice versa.

Fourth, don’t ask and don’t tell. Don’t ask them where they go or what they do when they’re not with you. For one thing, you’ll sound clingy and that’s not a good look. For another, they’re definitely off doing things you don’t want to know about. Some have Thai boyfriends. Others have occasional customers. And don’t tell them what you’re doing on the days when they don’t come over. It’s likely they won’t even ask, but in the event that one or more start to think of you as a boyfriend, it’s important to nip that in the bud and tell them to mind their own business. One of my catchphrases which I constantly repeat to my girls is “I have no heart” because I never want them getting ideas in their heads about love or commitment.

Fifth, hold on with a loose hand. These butterflies will come and go, so never get too attached. And when one wants to fly away, you must let her, even if she’s your favorite. I can’t count how many times my number 1 girl has sailed on to new shores…no wait, yes I can, it’s happened 12 times (I plan to pen a detailed account of these gone girls in a later blog).

Additionally, an unwritten rule I have is to teach them to be ninja warriors, or at the very least, to wield a katana. That way, I’ve no need for home security. Some would call this risky, claiming a jilted girl could potentially turn the blade on me. But I don’t need to worry, because 1–I always treat my harem like gold, and 2–my own Samurai skills are equally formidable.

The key to keeping it all together is toeing that tenuous line between good will and attachment. A harem girl can, with time, become a close and cherished friend. That’s a dangerous place to be for a whoremonger because there’s a constant risk of letting the cup of affection tip too far toward the heartfelt. The best way to remain safe is to spread your love around, like butter on several attractive biscuits. It’s almost like diversifying your stock portfolio. That way when one fucks off, your other girls can keep you going until the gone girl can be replaced. And that’s the other perk. Every day, busloads of new chicks arrive from the countryside and spill out into Bangkok, filling the nooks and crannies of the red-lights as well as the cold dark corners of my ventricles. The result is a life of dreamlike bliss, as my days pass in a blur of different sets of tits and varying back tattoos, perfumes, and bj techniques.

As for you, intrepid reader, should you be looking for a harem of your own, I wish you well in your pursuit, and hope, whoever and however many you ensnare, that they keep your balls warm, your beer cold, and your smile constant in this, the greatest country in the world—Thailand. Happy hunting.