Thailand is a wild ecosystem. It’s chock full of strange, aberrant life. Namely, the minging menagerie of foreigners that clog the city at all hours in all seasons. Some of them are just visiting—the clinical term is “tourists”—while others are more permanently imbedded in the biosphere. And as someone who sees these feral farang behaving naturally in their element, I’ve applied my scientific skills to catalog each species according to their habits, and have provided a comprehensive list below:
Tittus Oblivius: These dolts stand at the BTS ticket machine either A—digging for change or B—looking for their stop on the screen, both of which could and should have been done before walking up and blocking the machine.
Pathus Dumblockus: speaking of blocking, these animals stand at the entrance of the lift or escalator trying to decide whether or not they want to use it. To hell with anyone trying to get past.
Mobilus Moronnus: this brainless creature meanders aimlessly at a snail’s pace through a mall, a BTS station, or down a sidewalk while staring at their phone. They’re incapable of walking in a straight line or at a consistent speed, forcing everyone around them to accommodate their zig-zagging gait.
Cuntis Chumminus: 2 or more douches walking slowly hand in hand or with their arm around another’s shoulder, blocking the sidewalk like a long sideways sloth. Sometimes they have children, rolling luggage, or a stroller (pram) with them that they use to not only block people’s path but also to nudge strangers out of their way. They’re most commonly seen in places they shouldn’t be (red-light districts) at inappropriate hours for their offspring to be out (22.00-01.00).
Mentalus Scarrus: speaking of kids in the red-light, this idiot does just that. He/she traipses through Patpong with a toddler or preteen, ostensibly to “shop” at the night market but can’t keep from stealing glances into the door of every gogo. And it’s the same for the kids. The gaze of young ones is drawn by the bright lights and loud music. For any tween boy, it’s likely his first glimpse of the thing that will drive his motivation for the rest of his days. All so that dad can suck up a couple of quick mental pics for his spank bank.
Stoppus Suddenus: these fools like to stop suddenly and unexpectedly in front of you in a crowded space—so suddenly that you need the reflexes of a ninja to avoid colliding with them. In their small, walnut-sized brains, they are the only ones on planet Earth. The throngs of people around them don’t exist or aren’t relevant.
Selfcenteredis Fucktardinus: I saw an example of these bitches in The Paddy Field. They were sitting in a corner, and one of them got up and turned off an oscillating fan because it swerved toward them once every 30 seconds. Never mind the 11 other sweaty customers. They didn’t want to feel an occasional breeze, so they turned it off.
Starus Obnoxious: this mollusk-like critter stands agog, staring shamelessly at ladyboys, gogo dancers, monks, tomboys—anything that would be considered out of the ordinary in the tiny country berg from which they hail but is quite commonplace here in Thailand.
Gogus Firstimus: These are Western vanilla couples who visit a gogo as a lark, and either glare disapprovingly or worse, climb onstage for a dance.
Stiffus Notippus: this slippery cunt pays the exact cost of the beer in the gogo, exclaiming that since he is European, he doesn’t need to tip. Tipping is something only stupid Americans do, and he’ll be damned if he’s going to give up 10 baht to a stripper, barmaid, or waitress.
Pervus Hypocriticus: possibly the worst of the bunch. He looks down his nose at the punters and whoremongers inside the gogo while holding his fat, disgusting girlfriend a little tighter. Then later that night when she’s asleep, he sneaks back down to the red-light for some action.
Envius Geriatrus: This is an old man who’s been in Bangkok for decades. He’s past his prime, and can’t rampage through the gogo bars anymore, but he can blog about how much better things were in the 80s while slagging off younger, better bloggers.
Hangoveris Partdouchenus: These motherfuckers come to Thailand thinking the only reason the country exists is so that they can get up to things they’d never dare do in their home country. They’ve heard wild tales and/or seen The Hangover Part 2 and use it as a blueprint for how to act while they’re here.
Wantus Wingmanus: A shy or first-time monger who isn’t bold enough to hit the red-light district solo so he searches desperately for someone to pair up with. He sidles up to lone wolves in Shenanigans, or emails red-light figures (eg BKK7) and asks to meet up, thinking that “I’m into bar girls and you’re into bar girls” is enough of a connection to make a friend. Spoiler alert—it ain’t.
And lest we infer that only farang are to blame for idiotic behavior in Bangkok, here are a few from the Thai phylum (Thailum for short, copyright BKK7)…
Dontus Ownwatchus: The most prevalent species in Thailand, these sapiens never arrive at any destination on time.
Givus Yermonius: common among the native population, these bold bipeds erroneously believe that all farang have an endless supply of money. They know not from where it springs, and never think through the flaw in that logic. It’s just a fantasy they fully buy into.
Walkus Straightatus: a staple everywhere in Asia, this common mammal has no spatial awareness in a crowd. They don’t indicate their intended direction when walking, take no stock of those around them, and lurch haphazardly so as to force others to leap out of the way to avoid collision. I’ve encountered them in China, Korea, Japan, Cambodia, and Taiwan as well as Thailand.
Mindus Yerbiznus: A Thai (usually female) who asks too many personal questions and snoops through your Facebook feed to gather intel on your life and then gossip about you with mutual (usually female) friends.
Jealus Hypocriticus: A gogo dancer who gets angry if you have other girls besides her, but who has other regular customers plus a Thai boyfriend at home.
I could probably go on for days, and you can likely name a bunch that I forgot to include. The point is, it’s a jungle out there. A concrete jungle, a literal jungle, and a figurative colony of knuckle-dragging hominids that serve to aggravate the rest of us. The Thais are indigenous—we foreigners are invaders in their habitat, so there’s nothing we can do or say about them. But you’d be smart to avoid the farang who fit the above descriptions. They’re unpredictable and dangerous. And annoying.
Swing by on Friday for a frowback, and cheers to another week above ground in what is still the greatest place on Earth, despite the dense population of foreign retards. Peace!