Seven’s Levels of American Tinder Hell

August 2, 2020 By bangkok7

Seven’s Levels of American Tinder Hell

What’s up, gents. So today is my release date. Out of quarantine and back into society. Into the wild. Into the red-light. I’m sure I’ll have a lot to say about it next week, but in the meantime, here’s a semi-interesting distraction…

During my long sojourn in Los Angeles, I didn’t do much. The governor of California relaxed Covid restrictions just long enough for my brother and I to go wine tasting, and I did take my mum out to dinner once. Also, I met up with some buddies from high school on 3 separate occasions. We social-distanced. But at no time in all that time did I bother to try to make conversation with a female. Because as you well know if you’ve visited there or read any of my America-related blogs, the women in Los Angeles are horrible cunts. 90% of them are fat, disgusting morons and horrible cunts. 8% are semi-good looking morons and horrible cunts. And 2% are really fucking hot morons and horrible cunts. So even without a pandemic, there’s not much reason to take notice of any of them.

But that didn’t stop me from checking out LA Tinder.

And it was as horrific as you imagine it to be.

At first, Tinder tried showing me women my own age. Disgusting. Once I changed my preferences to match the girls in my Thai harem, things got more entertaining if not alluring. Nearly every chick on there fell into one (or two) of six categories. Let’s break ‘em down…

1-Cunts with nose rings. I was simply blown away by the copious numbers of dumbass chicks with nose rings. It’s a craze I completely missed, having lived outside of LA for 12 years now. What flabbergasts me about it is how they seem totally oblivious to the fact that their nose jewelry looks terrible, and makes them look disgusting. Let’s be real, most of them would look disgusting even without a bull ring, but there were also girls that would otherwise be hot had they not adorned their nostrils with metal resembling that of a rodeo steer.

2-Cunts with pets. I’m not sure why these dumb bitches thought that posing with their dog would make them more appealing. It doesn’t. Everyone likes dogs, dummies. You’re not special because you love your pet. I dunno, maybe they thought that, if they themselves weren’t attractive enough, having a dog might add more to the whole package? I can’t figure it out. What it tells me is, if I’m stupid enough to date your ass, I’m going to have to compete for your attention. Fuck that.

3-Fat cunts. I remember when I was a young teenager, LA was packed to the brim with hot girls. You couldn’t go to the beach unless you wore two extra pairs of underwear just to keep your boner down. Then, throughout the 90s and early 2000s, something happened. The female population swelled in proportion to the number of fast food joints springing up everywhere. Now there’s a KFC on every corner (same thing’s happening right now in Thailand, as you well know) and the vast majority of people—not just chicks, but everybody—are repugnant fat-asses. And because of social justice, not only can you not shame these whales into getting on a treadmill, if you don’t celebrate their lard, you’re the bad guy. God, I miss the 80s.

4-cunts with their tongues out. I’m not sure, but I think these idiots believe that sticking their tongue out somehow makes them seem sexier. I mean, that’s all I can come up with. Because as a dude, when I see a girl in a photo with her tongue sticking out, all that goes through my head is that she wants me to drop a load on it. And while I support that sport 100%, the thought that a chick is sending that message to everyone in Tinderland, well—it’s not attractive. If you wanna send me a private pick of you with your tongue out, that’s awesome. But telling the entire male population of Los Angeles that you’d like their load in your mouth…gross.

5-fake cunts. So, Tinder in Thailand is not like Tinder in the US, for two main reasons. On Thai Tinder, 1—there’s actually a possibility of meeting people, and 2—hotties do actually exist on there. Not so in Los Angeles. Literally every good-looking chick on LA Tinder is not a real person. This is because hot girls in LA don’t need to go on Tinder to find a date. They can go to the W, or hang out in the lobby of Chateau Marmont, or just go to the grocery store. In LA, Tinder is for ugly people. So when you see a hottie on LA Tinder, just know—it’s a catfishing scheme. And not even a good one, at that. LA catfishers are so lazy, they don’t even bother changing up the bait. Below are a few fake profiles I pulled off the site in a week’s time. See if you can spot a pattern…

6-girls I liked. There were precious few girls I was actually interested in. It’s a very narrow window, those girls that catch my eye. They need to have a certain…something. A certain, I don’t know what. Call it a look, or maybe a geographical DNA marker. They made up about 1 in 20 girls on Tinder. I never swiped right on any, of course, since a spoiled entitled LA girl wouldn’t see any value in an old white geezer like me–at least, not in that hemisphere. See if you can spot a pattern here as well…