Califorced-Vacation + 1 Night in Patpong

What’s up reader, my name’s Bangkok Seven and this is my blog. If you read my stuff regularly, and if it’s felt like I’ve been phoning it in lately, that’s because I was. For the last 3 weeks, I’ve been enjoying the vices and vexations of the communist, New World Order, Great Reset hellscape that is California.

I was born and raised in Los Angeles—a substrata of the worst, dumbest, most evil, most self-masturbatory, vile humans on the planet Earth. Nevertheless, I’m forced to visit once a year to spend time with my mother and brother. After missing a year thanks to Covid lockdowns, I was determined to make this trip worthwhile. So I took the opportunity to hit up my favorite Central Coast wineries and jet out to Vegas for a Killers show. As of Saturday morning, when I’m writing this, I’m freshly out of the Test-and-Go quarantine hotel (a day after the CCSA scrapped Test-and-Go!) and reacclimating to a life less tyrannical. And so tonight (last night by the time this is published) I will make my munificent return to Patpong and all the ass-grabbing, nipple-pinching goodness it has to offer. But will a single night in the Red-Light be enough fodder for a blog? Probably not, so in the meantime let me tell you how the trip went…

Imagine 3 weeks of guzzling the best Central Coast wine interspersed with splurging at LA restaurants, arguing with family, and a quick weekend in Vegas, and you’ve got the gist of the trip. Also I did the most American thing ever: shot guns in the desert while drinking beer.

Cali hasn’t changed much–with two undeniable exceptions. First, everyone’s about 30% stupider than I was last in-country, and second, everything costs around four times as much money. The US is on the brink of implosion. It’s the modern-day replication of the fall of the Roman Empire. There’s no way to stop it now, and in time, the whole world will follow. The only upside for us expats is, Thailand might be one of the last bastions to go down the toilet. Fingers crossed.

Coming back to TLOS was a lot easier than the rigamarole of 2020 during the airport lockdown. That took me five months and $8,000. Test-and-Go was fairly painless, though not devoid of the typical Thai cock-ups that anyone who lives here is used to. On checking in at LAX, the Singapore Airlines staffer scanned my T-n-G QR code and casually asked why I’d only received one vaccine shot. I said I had two, wondering why she didn’t know that–had I only had one shot–I wouldn’t have been approved for T-n-G. The idiot who typed my info into the system somehow missed my 2nd shot date, and this lady wasn’t going to let me fly. I showed her my yellow Thai vaccine passport displaying two shots and the hospital doc showing I’d already recovered from Covid, and after 10 long seconds of hemming and hawing, she handed over my boarding pass. Crisis averted.

There’s really no other option for a trans-Pacific flight than Business Class. Yes, it’s an extra $1,000 but it’s worth every penny. The privacy and food alone are the difference between 17 hours of heaven or hell (I had the seared lamb on the long flight, and some kind of Singaporean sausage mush on the short flight). Add to that the seat that converts into a bed and you’ve basically got your own small semi-private flying hotel room. Pictured right is the view of Minburi as we made our approach to Suvarnabhumi. Below from left to right are the Test-n-Go checkpoint in the terminal, an empty immigration queue, and the chaos of finding your ASQ hotel shuttle.

The flights were awesome. Singapore Air are the tits. Star Alliance’s lounge at LAX has every kind of booze a Bangkok barfly could crave. Boarding was easy thanks to new facial recognition hardware–no need to even scan a Passport. And passing through Suvarnabhumi was quick and painless, despite the chaos of crowds of tourists and teams of frenetic hotel shuttle staffers. My driver dropped me off in the hotel car park where I was PCR tested and whisked to my room via a service elevator. Whilst in Vegas I met a girl who’d just returned from Thailand. She said her test took a mere six hours to come back, at which point she was released from ASQ hotel prison. Not so for this monger. My test didn’t come back till the wee hours of the morning while I was asleep, so I didn’t escape until 6 am on Saturday. Overall it was an OK experience, except for the awful dinner they served: bland chicken tom yum and stir-fried snow peas with carrot shavings and rice.

Anyway, let’s get to the good stuff, namely Saturday night’s shenanigans in the sultry salacious gogo bars on the illustrious and illicit sois of Patpong…

It turns out not a lot changed whilst I was in Cali. The girls are still in cocktail dresses, except for Black Pagoda where they’ve started dressing in cosplay. Last night was “schoolgirl” night, and by Buddha it was hot.  BP also offered a free apple vodka shot on entry. Nice touch. Sai and Pbai (below right) wore matching dresses at XXX Lounge.

Nobody’s bashful about dancing onstage, and to that effect, it feels more like old times. The XXX stage felt especially nostalgic (espalgic for short, copyright BKK7). Sai’s moves are boner-inspiring, and Earn (after lots of cosmetic surgery and a pandemic-induced weight gain) has reformed her body into something downright pornographic.


The Strip has added a balloon pool to their small stage, effectively eliminating any possible dancing, but somehow the girls still managed to cut loose. Per usual, I returned from America with gifts for the girls–this time I brought a bag of cheap rings. The Strip girls wasted no time in scooping them up, with not even a thought of sharing. It was first come first served. Bee and Aom came away with three each, and the new papasan had the gall to grab up four of them, despite not knowing me or introducing himself. Cheeky fucker.


The busiest place in Patpong is King’s on Soi 1. In fact, I’m told they’re reopening their original location, King’s Castle 1, also on Soi 1, just to accommodate all the girls that wanna work and all the dudes that wanna watch them work. I was absolutely accosted by chicks in there, so aggressively in fact that I’m apt to avoid it in the future.

Anyway, that’s all the monger that’s fit to ponder this week. If you’re lucky enough to be in Bangkok, get out to the Red-Light and get your swerve on. The girls are hungry, both literally and sexually, and we mongers still have the gogos mostly to ourselves. Yes, there’s a tourist “presence,” but it’s nowhere near how crazybusy things will get after Test-n-Go is dropped on May 1st. So get gettin’ while the gettin’s good. While douche traffic is down 90%, and 80% of the tourism trickle consists of families and gross Millennial hippies. Because the sex tourists will be all up in our business in short order.

Between now and next week, keep your balls shaved, your barfine billfold bursting, and cheers to all those working girls whose supple succulence keep us gogo flies’ peckers perpetually perpendicular.