Greetings, reader (I’m talking to the one person who actually reads my blogs). It is I, Bangkok Seven, still trapped in the hellish Orwellian nightmare that is the United States. I know we’re both missing the gogo bars and the red-lights, and I’m especially missing my harem. So in an effort to distract us from our present gogo-less lives, I’ve penned for you below the process one should undertake when choosing, vetting, and assimilating a new girl into my roster of play-at-home sex Olympics playmates. Let’s break it down…
Step 1: hit the gogo. This initial phase is time-consuming and expensive. It involves gogo-hopping, which involves drinking and perusing with no definitive endgame in sight. In short, you’re flying blind. You may think to yourself, “I know, I’ll go back to that one gogo where I saw all those hotties last week/month/year.” But dancers change locations so frequently that by the time you go back, there might well be nary a hottie in the bunch. So it’s up to the fates. You just gotta gogo and gogo and keep gogoing. You gotta be positive. You gotta have a never-give-up spirit. And you gotta have your head on a swivel. Eventually you’ll find her. When you lay eyes on her, you’ll know instantly. Your quarry, your goal, your destiny.
Step 2: bait the hook. Smile at your quarry. If you speak Thai, mouth something complimentary at her in Thai. If she doesn’t understand, even better. If she’s interested, she’ll come sit with you after to find out what you were saying. Or to ensure she comes over, mime drinking a drink at her so she knows you want to buy her one, or to be even more sure, flag down a barmaid and order your quarry a drink. Then make sure to check out other girls on the stage and make sure your quarry sees you do it. This will let her know that you’re not a sure thing, and she’s going to have to take some initiative to keep you interested.
Step 3: reel her in. When she comes over, speak to her in Thai. Ask her name, introduce yourself, ask where she’s from and if it’s beautiful there. Ask her if she likes farang. The answers to these questions aren’t as important as you asking them. It shows you’re interested, and more than just an ATM with a wang.
At some point, touch her. But do it innocuously rather than perversely. Pretend to examine her tattoos, or grab her hand to inspect her rings. Brush a phantom hair off her forehead. Then turn your attention to the stage. This will leave her wanting to redirect your focus back to her.
If you’re having a good time, buy her another drink, though note this isn’t necessary. Eventually she’ll have to go back up onstage. When she does, pay your bin and get up to leave. Walk over to her and tell her you have to go, but you hope to see her again. Exchange Line IDs and tell her you’ll send her a message soon. Slip a hundred baht into her bra and take off, leaving her wanting more.
The next day, remind her you exist by sending a teddy bear sticker to her Line. If she doesn’t respond, don’t message her again until she does. When she does, send a message telling her you want her to come over to your place. If she says no, message back and say “OK well if you ever need money, you can message me.” Then forget about her. Most of the time, she’ll contact you within a month or two when rent comes due and she can’t cover. If you follow this process 5 times in a night, you’ll get at least one of those on the hook immediately. After a week of this, you’ll have a handful. If you’re too impatient to wait, barfiine her. It’s not something I do, but I can understand if you feel a sense of urgency.
Step 4: get her addicted. When you finally get her over to your place, treat her like gold. Give her her own towel and give her some privacy. While she’s showering, press ‘record’ on the video camera you have hidden in the closet and press play on your iTunes “sex” playlist. Get naked and lay on your bed with the fan blowing directly on your freshly-shorn and washed balls. Don’t look in the direction of your hidden camera. It will give you away. When she emerges from the bathroom in her towel, tell her in Thai how pretty she looks. Then do your best to work your magic like a porn star while not pushing things too far. Then when she’s reshowering, slip some cash into her purse. Then walk her to the door and before she leaves, give her an extra couple hundred along with an affectionate slap on the behind. Then forget she exists until she messages you. As long as you didn’t do anything untoward, she’ll be hooked for life.
It’s as easy as that. The hard part is getting rid of her once she’s hooked, but that’s a separate blog that comes much later. Until next time, reader, keep your balls clean, your look lean, and cheers to all the incredible goddesses that make this city Paradise on Earth. Peace.